I know I am not the most conservative guy you know. It is very normal for me to explore and venture new experiences to make myself more knowledgeable of things.
This is a rant. I can’t sleep because this thought kills my mind slowly and painfully.
Recently, I have discovered that a friend of mine used to be a “friend with benefit” (if you know what I mean) with another girl, whom he refused to identify. At first, I was very shocked. Seeing him as a great friend and man of discipline, never in my life, I imagined this guy to be that before.
But to be honest, If I ever had the chance to experience having a “friend with benefit”m I would grab the chance. This is a once in a lifetime chance. Even though it’s just nothing but sex, why not? haha. Basta, sabi nga niya, this thing, this happens, and there’s nothing wrong about it as long as you become alert and ready to face the possible consequences you may encounter.
Pero, I don’t know why I look at it as a bad thing, parang I will never look at that person the same again. I know I am just over reacting pero di ko alam kung bakit nagreact ako ng ganito.
Then a question popped into my mind, “I am really entitled to do this?”. Am I obligated to experience this sacred thing to a person whom I have no feelings but sexual attraction? My mind says, “Why not? It’s an experience worth trying for!” but my heart says, “You know, this is something that you should not do with a person whom you don’t love.”
Basta, naguguluhan utak ko. Hindi ko pwedeng sabihin na, “Pare wag mo nang ulitin yan masama yan” kasi I myself, admit that I will do that if given the chance. Basta ito ang first time na nandiri ako about sa usapang sex. Yung bumalik ang childish mind ko.
Hindi kasi mawala sa isipan ko ang thought. Parang napapaisip ako kung tama ba ang ginawa niya, normal ba yun? at worse, my mind is a scumbag by letting me imagine what they were doing back then, that is the most gross part of tonight’s misery. Siguro normal nga yun, well, baka para sa kanya, habulin nga naman siya ng babae. Eh ako itong nung umulan ata ng sex appeal asa loob ako ng bahay kumakain…
Mangyayari din ba sa akin yun? Kelan? Iyan din ang nagpaisip sa akin. Again, di ko talga alam kung tumatanggi ako o hindi sa bagay na yan. Is that a manifestation of my manliness? Does that define me as a “Tunay na lalake”? Pag ba nangyari sakin yan, ano ang after effect? Basta.
Then I thought, siguro mahirap mangyari sakin to kasi first of all, mahiyain ako pagdating sa babae, di ako marunong makipagflirt. Pangalawa, I am one of the ugly guys, basta, wala akong tiwala sa sarili ko pagdating sa looks ko. SAbi nila gwapo daw ako pag pumayat, well, di ko pa naman nattry. haha.
Pero if given the chance, will I do it? Will I? Yes. Will that impose something about me? No. Will it be awkward after? Yes. Will I enjoy it? Yes. Will I regret it? I don’t know, maybe yes.
Basta magulo. Ganyan ang naiisip ko.
I want to experience “it” with someone. Okay. That’s it. I want to experience this, I want to explore. But will it happen? again, I don’t know kung may babae mang papatol sakin sa kapangitan at taba kong ito. I want to feel the feeling. This may seem bad or very unethical or a sin, but I myself believe that there is nothing wrong in doing this as long as you are ready for the consequences. Again, gusto kong ma-experience ito.
To everyone who can read this, please be open-minded.